November 11, 2005

  • Hi all

    Several times over the past few weeks, I've intended to write something
    here. I've worked things out in my head, tried out combinations
    of  topics and angles... I've gotten so far as to sit down at the
    computer and open the New Entry screen. But the problem has been that
    I've rarely wanted to write what I've felt like writing. It's almost
    always been too dark, too brooding or pessimistic or whatever, and in
    all the years I've been here, I've generally tried to stay away from
    posting depressing stuff, especially if I don't have the energy to put
    some kind of a spin on it.

    So how am I? Well, some days I'm really quite decent. It's fall, and
    when the air is crisp and the sun is shining and the wind is blowing,
    it's awfully hard to feel too miserable. I've had some great moments
    lately. The Richard Thompson concert, and the time I spent in Toronto,
    were wonderful. I've had a couple of nice walks... On the flip side, a
    lot of days have been really difficult. There have been some changes at
    my job which find me doing work that I really don't like, and losing my
    performance-based incentive to boot. The days have also gotten a lot
    shorter, and the early darkness is tough. And thoughts of my father
    still swirl around and bring me down.

    And so... back and forth, back and forth. Basically, I'm teetering. Not
    necessarily a good place to be. I'm trying really hard to tilt my life
    toward the bright side, but on any given day, it can quite quickly head
    back into darker places. I really don't want to end up sinking back
    into another long period of 'lost time', like I did a few years back. A
    time of paralyzed depression. I really want to move forward, to start
    moving toward becoming what I want to be when I grow up. And I'm doing
    some little things to that end, but they're not quite adding up to a
    critical mass.

    And here I am sounding all dour. Sorry about that. Comes and goes. I
    think I need to find myself some counseling. That and get my creative
    writing unblocked. It's amazing what you can dump into a song. Quite
    therapeutic, really.

    Anyhow, I should get myself to bed. Didn't do too bad this 'weekend'. I
    made myself a list of 7 things to do, and posting this makes me 6 for
    7. That's something, anyway. Think it's too late to tackle the last one
    tonight, but oh well. Hope you're all taking good care of yourselves.
    Please know that even though I'm not always able to find the energy to
    comment, I'm reading what you're writing.

    Take care
    -J-

Comments (12)

  • 6 for 7 is a pretty decent track record, Justin. Take care...

  • Thinking of you.......hope you're doing all right.

  • It will always be a back and forth but with a less extreme arc. Don't rush the process.  Feel and acknowledge without letting the mind create a major storytelling....and we're reading you too!

  • sometimes the hooves stomp harder and harder. lists can be a great ladder out of the stomping grounds. Never underestimate the value of change... the fall season for example.

    Drover is in town. A pleasure to see him again. He asked about you and I told him you were doing very poorly and that he should be proud that he is doing better than you. We laughed at you for awhile and then threw your memory away like so much crusted mustard.

    In actuality I performed the classic Britney Spears and credited my good friend you, so he very fondly asked all about you after the show... I simply told him you had turned to necromancy and that I had no room for corpse enchanters in my busy schedule of playing video games and farting.

    Boy, I really can't get out the truth for some reason. It's in there somewhere. Just add the positive stuff together and forget the rest. This is math. You remember math, don't you?

    -B

  • It sounds to me like you've done pretty well.  If you were doing fantastic, I'd say you weren't dealing with your feelings.  You are walking through it.  You're doing the right things.  Later on it will feel good again.  Getting to the other side of the holidays will be tough, but once you get there, you'll start seeing improvement, I'm sure.  Just hang in there, and lean on your wife a little.  She can be your soft place to land in the meantime...

  • We tend to think of life as a smooth progression, as a road that we go down, one step naturally following on from the step before. In reality, though, its much more like walking through an area with boggy bits, a minefield and a patch of pretty wild flowers. There are stops and starts and stumbles and right now it sounds like with 6 out of 7 you're closing in on the good stretch

  • Here's wishing you the best as always. I think we all at one point or another go through periods of our life like this. I know right now my life just seems to be a series of ups and downs with no real consistency or tone to them. Either way things always find a way of working out as long as you just push forward and tell yourself not to get depressed over the situation. Things happen...Time goes on. It's what you do with the time you have that matters. Now if I could only take my own advice...

    Hope things start looking more up.

  • hey justin, awesome to hear from you again,

    been away for along time,, got rid of my old site.

    i just hope your doin really well now, and take good care.

    don't be shy because you fart sometimes, justin.

    I myself am an old friend to that scene.

    but i'm proud of that.

  • I share some of your sentiments.  It's hard to fight your way out of the black hole.  It comes and goes.  My music is one thing that can do it but I have the hardest time getting the energy to do it. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and sometimes that takes much effort.

    Take care,

    RC

  • May you find your balance of mind and enjoy real peace, real harmony and real happiness.

  • drop it like it's hott!

  • I can really identify with your feelings Justin. I'm sure you would guess this about me from reading my blog over the years. One thing I have to say is never apologize for your feelings! They are yours and nothing to be "sorry" for!

    Second of all... I agree that the days gettign shorter is having a similar dulling effect on me. I've actually done something to try to combat it- laugh it you will- but it is helping (psychologically anyway!) - I've gone tanning a couple of times and tricked my body into thinking it had some sunlight! I'm certainly not the kind of girl to do such a thing either but it is helping I think!

    Third...

    Private posting is permited on xanga... I've needed to write what I felt and not what I wanted anyone to see more times then I can tell you. I do it for me... and sigh - there is a release and I don't feel weird for having written it because no one will see it but me!

    Fourth...

    You're on to something! Use your feelings to creatively motivate you- even if it is creative in a dark way! My best inspiration has at times been my suffering!

    FIFTH...

    breath... deep breaths... allow your body to become weightless within these breaths. I use a mantra of in with good and out with the bad... cheesy but it works wonders... sometimes it's in with the faith... out with the fear...

    Positive vibes sailing through cyber space to you...

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