Ah. OK. Well then...

So I guess this changes things, doesn't it. I guess we now get to reevaluate everything we've been planning on doing for the next few years. OK. Hmm. Well... that's a kick in the teeth. But that's alright, I guess. Well, it's unavoidable now. We roll with it. I mean, it could even be a good thing, right?...

Sigh.

Sometimes life makes me feel very tired.

Well, progress is being made.

My wife's student loan finally came in, so we can breathe again. We can splurge on little things like... rent! It takes a bit of pressure off. We paid half the balance on the Mastercard, which was nice, since it'll save us oodles in interest.

On the job hunting front, progress is also being made. I have my application form going for a job at the local call centre. Yes, it could be me the next time some jerk calls to sell you a credit card. It's waaaaaaaaaaay down on my list of enjoyable jobs, and I'm actually pretty terrified of getting it. But the money is a couple of dollars an hour better than minimum wage, so...  The turnover is so high that they maintain a 9-5 hiring office. Scary. So I have to finish the paperwork, then tackle the interview which, not surprisingly, is over the phone.

Unfortunately, I'm having trouble figuring out how to fill in my employment history on their form. I worked for the same company for 4 summers, but not during the rest of the year, and also under slightly different job descriptions. I've also worked half a dozen times for CBC Radio/TV, but they were one-day things. I dunno. I'll figure it out.

So yeah. There you have it. My mood has been lightening consistenetly as I've been slooooooooowly making progress in my life. It's nice. I even put the (pretty much) finishing touches on a song provisionally entitled Children And Dogs, which Byron and I are hoping to play at the CBC gig in a couple of weeks. I've got to courier it up to him on Monday so he can learn it.

I'm still pretty darn stressed out, and I'm still finding it hard to get to sleep at night, but my waking hours are more pleasant.

Anyhow, I'm going to go and have some hot chocolate and try to calm down a little, since I seem to be a bit agitated. Talk more later.

Take care
-Justin-

Saturday.

When one is working, at least in a Mon-Fri job, the weekend is a joyous thing. Friday night, you can relax and cut loose, enjoy yourself. Blah blah blah. Today, I'm actually resenting that it's the weekend. I can't get away from my own current crappiness.

Sigh.

This unemployment has gotten really bad. Couldn't pay rent yesterday, though the landlord didn't mind giving us a week to find the money. My father in law is very displeased with me. My wife is going to explode and kill me soon. Things are very tense. And since it's Saturday, even though I'm motivated to go out and do something about it, I can't.

Dammit. I feel like a sack of shit. I'm going to go out on Monday and try and get this dealt with. I feel so trapped by everything that's going on. And all of my small victories are trampled to death by this giant inadequacy towering over everything.

Poop.

Oh well. Gotta go and figure out something to boost my mood a little, or I'll fritter away my whole evening with self-loathing.

Take care
-Justin-

Party Time!!!

Well, sort of. Starting tonight at sunset is the celebratory time of the Baha'i year, Ayyam-i-Ha or the Intercalary Days. I'll give a little background. The Baha'i calendar has 19 months of 19 days, which adds up to 361. The remaining 4 days (or 5 in leap years) are a time of socializing and celebrating. There are no fixed rituals or anything, but generally there are get-togethers, exchanging of gifts, and decorations. It's not associated with any Holy Days, but simply a time to be happy and friendly.

So I spent last night decorating my family home, so that they can wake up to find the house decorated. It's something I've been doing for years. I get to do my house this evening, when I get home. I've got gifts for my family -- small things like candles and CDs and things. I'm not rich, and thankfully there's no pressure to give people big fancy gifts. My wife and I will be having our housewarming on Wednesday night. It's funny, since we moved in here in September. But oh well.

Ayyam-i-Ha falls directly before the Fast, which lasts for one Baha'i month. During that time, Baha'is 15 and older refrain from food and drink between sunrise and sunset. It's a time of reflection and contemplation.

Following the fast is Naw Ruz, the Baha'i New Year, which happens to fall on the first day of Spring.

So yeah. There you have it. That's what I'll be up to for the next month or so. It's a good time of year. I'm hoping that it will help me to find the strength to finally kick the butt of my job hunting problem.

Gotta go put up streamers!

Take care
-Justin-

I've been putting off writing anything for the past few days since I don't have anything inspiring to say. But life, nevertheless, goes on. I have made a little bit of progress with my job hunting, though I'm still not employed. It progresses so very slowly and painfully. But I've tried negative motivation (i.e. thinking of the bad things that will continue to happen the longer I'm not working), so now I'm trying positive motivation (i.e. telling myself that if I get a job, I'll be able to buy a couple of CDs I've been wanting). We shall see how things progress...

In other news, Ticklish Brother now has its own blog where you can go and find news and things. I think the Xanga format will be great for keeping in touch with our fans. I'll still post good news here, since it's a big part of my life, but I'll go into more detail at the new place.

In that vein, I'll say that the negotiations continue toward our performance. They're taping a show in Saskatchewan tomorrow (Saturday) night, after which I'll be talking with the producer again to figure out things like how long we'll be playing and how much we'll be getting paid. The show is a month from tomorrow.

Anyhow, I'm trying to shift my schedule, so I'm going to toddle off to bed now.

Take care
-Justin-

P.S. The visual anomalies here (i.e. text sometimes being blocked in white, or a different colour) is a Xanga thing and not deliberate on my part...

WOO HOO!!!!

I just got off the phone with the producer of CBC Radio's Madly Off In All Directions. If you follow this blog, you may remember that my band, Ticklish Brother , performed on the show last year. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, it's a comedy show broadcast nationally in Canada, to about 700000 people weekly, and also used on the program Richardson's Roundup. Our appearance has been rebroadcast a couple of times, most recently a few weeks ago, and drew lots of comments from across the country.

Anyhow, it turns out that they're taping another show in the province, this time in St John's, and they liked us so much that they want us to be on it! They'll fly us in and everything!!! it's a great bit of national publicity, and a great way to get exposure in the infamously insular St John's arts community, since there'll be many hundreds of people in the audience for the taping!

And great money as well!!!

So I'm hyped right up. I have to call Byron now and let him know what's going on!!!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

Take care
-Justin-

It doesn't seem, sometimes.
Endless ranges, shrouded and moist
Damp in the unpeopled darkness
Cold and dry and barren in the morning.
We lose our adventures
Stifle our flight
Claim our time with stones
But with gravel in our songs
Sand in our hearts
Dust for the soul.
Plugging our ears derisively
Small and tall alike
Biding our time.
My eyes lie shattered, gently
Seeing everywhere but here
Feeling everytime but now
Longing without purpose
For wings I deny myself
Limbo-ridden
Hoping for a breeze
To ruffle the tired waters
Up to salted heights.

I have so many songs in my head, all flitting past the tiny window of my mind's ear at far too quick a speed. They cling to their privacy like stone clings to blockhood, concealing the sculpted form within. I try to coax them out with long walks, trance-like states, and brute determination. And sometimes they come out, haltingly and begrudgingly, until they exist in front of me on the tattered looseleaf. But in the end, the battle is not done, for they jeer at me, unable as I am to convince myself of their worth...

Tomorrow is Monday. I put out resumes on Thursday evening, so this week is followup week. Perhaps they will call. Perhaps I will call them. Perhaps both. Hopefully I will become employed. I need the structure, the usefulness. I also need the income.

I don't like myself as much as I used to.
I'm not as exciting.
I'm not as confident.
I'm not as friendly.
I'm not as welcoming.
I'm not as dedicated.
I'm not as reliable.
I'm not as interesting.
I'm not as reasonable.
I'm just not as happy with myself as I want to be.
Who is happy with a powerless good-for-nothing?
Who is happy with someone who fails despite advantages?
Who can pity someone who has the power to change easily?
I need to get off my ass and change
Or I won't even be able to talk to myself any more...